Monday, December 25, 2017

2017 - The Year Of Quiet Desperation

This year totall didn't go as planned. Last year I sent 36 job applications went to 17 job interviews and got one job, from which I got fired after 2 weeks.

The main reason why I couldn't earn my living independently but needed a job (instead of being an enterpreneur on the other side of the negotiation table) was bad time management. In October I made a major breakthrough in time management by discovering by experimentation a time management system, which allows me to put in enough hours in 50% of the weeks. For the next year I'm conflicted between getting a job on the one hand; and trying out that time management system to say "fuck it, I'm a monster, I admit it" and trying to earn a living without working for money on the other hand.

The problem with being a Mensa member in the top 2% of the IQ distribution is that it is difficult to distinguish between you being mentally ill on the one hand from having superior life control enabled by IQ on the other hand; and it is also difficult to distinguish when you are right and everyone else is wrong from you being an asshole and a prick and everyone else being mature.

In the end it of course doesn't matter, because our lifes are mainly insignificiant and meaningless for everyone except ourselves and our loved ones.

In March I got the Russian grammar webiste to the shape where I no longer saw any benefit from continuing its development (as it had too few users to provide ad income) and only sent job applications, landing a job contract in June with Apotti Oy.

This was in a way a fullfilment of my dreams as earlier I've expressed frustration at the meaninglessness of earning living by developing better ways to sell soft drinks for the overweight and payday loans for the poor.


Unfortunately, I also got fired from the job 2 week afterwards. I'm a bit conflicted about the experience. Is it fate telling me that I have too low social skills for success in career or for my long term life goals? In that case the right response would be to say "Fuck it, I'm a monster, I admit it", to sell my current house and move to a small rented apartment in cheap area and pay it with 4% withdrawal rate from selling my current aparment. That kind of move would seal my fate with women (who wants to date an unemployed loser?) but if my fate is to have too low social skills for middle-class happiness, that would be all about just honestly admitting the fact of low social skills. Or was I just too loud (because of the horrible Whitevector Experience) and overcompetent for the job - both of which can be remedied with the correct attitude?

The major tragedy this year was death of my father 25.2.2017. A week before he had slipped when walking on an icy road and knocked his head real bad. In 25.2 he was found dead at the bottom of the cellar stairs, having either dropped from stairs and hit his head or gotten a brain attack. It was above all a jolt to cross off action in the bucket list now instead of living for the long-term future.

The major breakthrough this year was discovery of a time management system, which despite natural tendency for procrastination allows me to put in sufficient number of hours of work one every other week (I honestly have no idea why it doesn't work every week) to complete projects with number of working hours comparable to salaried employment. Too bad I didn't discover it in my twenties when it would have been really, really useful in studies and in the Finnish Annotator project.

Above all, getting fired from the only job I've had more meaningful that developing better ways to market payday loand and sugared water has highlighted the importance of focusing on one's personal advantage and personal responsiblity of one's own life. Another nudge to that direction is reading Steppenowlf, a story how a man leading an insignificiant and meaningless life takes personal responsibility of his live by personal development effort to devlop social skill. However, it is a bit unclear what personal advantage means. At least it means sufficient income, but what else? One key question is whether bad social skills are a fate that I can't remedy despite conscious training effort after discovering game of talking.

No comments: